POV Relapse

This is not a story about a direct porn-related relapse. This is a story about how the effects of a porn addiction lead me to infidelity, the fall-out and the hope of recovering the relationship.

I have been free from porn since 7/7/2018 and will remain steadfast in that status. Previously, I wrote a really terrible story about how porn made me a sex addict and how my lizard brain has been feasting on the scenery around me instead of focusing on my partner. The problem has been persistent and causing a lot of stress within the relationship — a relationship that I hold in high regard.

Being with an intensely intuitive woman means that she knows when you’re full of shit — something I’ve been full of and unable to own up to and admit for a while now; well until recently. We would have conversations about how she felt undesired by myself, unsexy and like she was “sexual leftovers” at day’s end. I will note that I have been in Bali, Indonesia for about two months now and one thing I can say with certainty is that rebooting here is definitely “hard-mode”. Every young woman may as well be “porn on legs”. It’s hard for a recovering addict to turn a blind eye to the surrounding “scenery”.

It hurts to hear these things from someone I love and hurts equally knowing that I am the cause of that hurt. Each time we discussed this issue the subject of “opening up the relationship” would come up and each time I would deny that this was what is needed for myself (which I believe to be true). Was this because I didn't want her screwing around on me? Yes. Was this because I wanted to screw around on her? Not in my heart of hearts, but I was split into to personas — one that was wholesome, loving, tender and all-in on the relationship. The other was some semblance of my younger self that still had the desire to hook-up. Now, I had done my fair share of this hooking up stuff prior to meeting her but now I have this perfect woman and I am still feeling these stupid urges to be promiscuous. Why? For the love of goodness, why?!

Eventually she had enough and put her foot down by saying, “I’ve tried everything to fix this problem of yours, just own it and tell me that this is what you want, it can’t be anything else.” I explained that I didn’t need to be with anyone else as I always had because I know what being unfaithful feels like; the guilt, the wearing of shame, feeling regret and knowing they hurt regardless of them actually knowing what has happened in detail. In our previous conversations on the same subject she had made it clear that she “didn’t want to know”. I also made it clear that she would know, not just because of her intuition but because I would know and I wouldn’t be able to bury the feeling — I knew it would eat me alive. Timidly, and with much reservation I agreed to go along with this.

The weekend ahead was supposed to be my bachelor’s party with two friends that I had were recent acquaintances. They took me to Gili Island. Bad Idea.

Gili Island is a place in Indonesia where there are no police and therefore very few rules. Unlike mainland Bali or Indonesia where one must be extremely conscious of how illegal drugs are, Gili Island is a place where they push mushrooms, Marijuana and anything else one can put into their blood like they sell motorbike rentals and t-shirts in Kuta.

The night before was a pretty bad fight followed by some really good make-up sex. I was happy and also really uncomfortable that I was going to this island of alleged sin after such a connected time the night before. Much of me didn’t want to go but it had already been planned and maybe it was a good idea to be around strange women and see what that was like without any restraint.

I felt off for much of the trip — from the time I bought condoms to the time we arrived. I knew I was going to experiment with this “being with someone else” thing but I didn’t like the idea. I knew what would happen, how it would feel and still, still I went on with the flirting and carrying on.

Friday night I slept alone. I woke up feeling lonely but also relieved. I regrouped with the guys and we decided to go on a boat party for the day.

We got to the boat which was more like a make-shift club on a trimaran raft setup. We had befriended a few of the fellow travelers and were enjoying company and progressively drinking more.

I came to a place in my head where I dove into a cynical state of mind and just watched everyone. They were all dancing, no inhibition, filthy fucking humans all with one thing on the agenda; to fuck — someone, anyone. it made me sick and I could only think of my lovely soon-to-be wife at home. I remember through the fog telling my mates that I wanted nothing to do with this kind of life and that I missed her and wanted only her; and in that moment that was 100% true.

While I was feeling this I texted my lady that I only wanted to be with her and that I couldn’t bring myself to be with anyone else. I felt this deep inside me. I knew she could feel the debauchery that was going on. I knew she could feel the desire in me and the struggle I was having internally. I drank more and decided to enjoy the rest of the party.

At some point of inebriation, my lizard brain took over and started driving. I was thinking things like You’re getting married, you owe this to yourself. One last bit of fun before you’re on your way to marriage and monogamy. See what it’s like with someone else — at least you will know for certain if you need an open format or monogamy. In the background my conscience was telling me other things like, Think about her, you’re going to hurt her. You know what happens down this road. And still the animal side of me was driving.

I met a very uninteresting 20-something and lead the conversation towards a hook-up. The entire while not feeling great about what I was intending to do, but somehow feeling it was necessary.

We got back to my place after the boat returned and the did the deed. I felt bad the entire time. I only lasted about a minute — the guilt and reality that had set in overwhelmed me and I knew I was wrong for doing what I had done. I wanted it to be over. Now it was over and I had put myself in a place where I couldn’t return to the original path where fidelity hadn’t been disrupted. I felt the anxiety begin to settle in. I began to feel depressed and I knew that there was no hiding this mistake. I was uncomfortable and beside myself with the shame of living up to her continuously decreasing opinion of me. Now my once murky path towards marriage and building a life was opaque. I couldn't see the future any more.

I barely slept, I woke in the morning and kicked her out of bed, disgusted with myself, unable to look at myself in the mirror. I got ready and met the boys. We left the island.

I admit, I felt like I had affirmed something really good through this terrible choice — that the desire for “strange” was now gone. I felt like I had conquered something, not the stranger in my bed but that part of me that had been desiring something else. I had now seen what that looked like and how it felt and I did not like it. I didn’t even enjoy the experience. It seems foolish to say but all the conflict and all the guilt that I built up both before and after the action had extinguished the two selves within me and had given me a clear path of what I wanted. The growing knot in my stomach told me that she already knew what I had done and that there would be no hiding it.

I returned later that evening and we met up for an early dinner. She looked so good, she glowed. I felt like I had never seen anyone so beautiful. This realization made me feel better, but also worse because I felt like I had a slug of radioactive guilt in my guts and that it was glowing for all to see. When I scooped her up and hugged and kissed her I felt great, right as rain but I knew that would be a temporary feeling.

We sat down together and I felt sick, I felt like I had betrayed her so deeply — how could I have actually done this to such a beautiful person? How could I have done this to the woman I loved with all my heart?

We had some small talk and I could feel the awkward “she knows” feeling. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her even if her questions about the weekend were alluding to did you hook up or what? I began feeling sick and was already exhausted; she suggested I go take a nap. I went home.

She was cold, distant and I was in hell inside myself. Knowing what I had done. Finally she just began to drag it out of me and my full-of-shit self began spinning the truth and making it seem as though the sex had “happened” to me instead of “me making it happen”.

This tactic of editing the truth has been something I’ve done my entire life; I have always been terrified of hard truths, especially those that are related to character flaws pertaining to myself.

She stormed out after I finally told her the edited version where I had only had sex for 3 seconds and that I was the victim. Later that night when she returned she came close to me and we had amazing sex which was followed by morning sex and then the questioning continued.

I mentioned she was intuitive.

And the more things seemed to be ok and that this wasn’t going to be an issue, she kept asking questions.

We had a portion of our conversation that was her saying “If we are going to build a life together, it has to be strong. The only way that is to be is if we are honest with each other. So stop lying, stop stretching the truth, just be honest. Why would you send me a text message stating that you couldn’t be with anyone else and the go and fuck someone?”

She had a point. I was fucked and I knew that I have a good chance of losing the love of my life.

At this point the thoughts are along the lines of I thought we agreed on not wanting to know. It literally meant nothing to me. Is this the end? Did I mortally wound our connection?. I have never felt so lost, sad and upset with myself. Why did I do this? I guess I wanted it to happen. I wish I could go back and undo this.

The last 24 hours has revealed to me that there is no such thing as an open relationship for me. Also, I did do permanent damage to a sublime and beautiful relationship. The end is uncertain but I am striving to rebuild the trust, ease the pain and try to convey that this was the tipping point for getting past the fantasy my mind had built up about the idea of being with another person. I know that extraneous relations isn’t an option for me, I know now that I am not wired that way. In a fucked up way I learned in a matter of seconds what monogamy truly means, and what it means to have a closed relationship with someone special. Through the pain, hurt, the disappointment in myself, the frustration of my words being baseless to her and the reality that I may lose her completely — I learned about myself. I merged my conflicted internal duality and put the idealization of “hooking up” to bed. Permanently. I no longer feel twinges of lust towards other women, I no longer feel the same about an attractive female walking by. I feel ok with it now and I feel like I can fully attend to my relationship (I definitely have to now that I’ve decimated it) and that there is nothing more important or vital to my existence.

If you’ve made it this far I will leave you with these words: The world of porn will make you believe that what you see on the screen is what you need in your life and in your bed. It will make you feel like that is more desirable than what you have even if you have nothing or no partner. You may have to make the same mistake that I did in order to figure that out about yourself by feeling the disgusting part of your personality and witnessing it in action. I would advise against this course of action. In hindsight, I should have stopped myself — more poignantly, I should never have begun to lead the evening in the direction that I did. The guilt, shame and self-hatred is not worth the damage I have done to her and myself. The only saving grace is that should we make it through this, I know that I will never need anything aside from her. Love is powerful and when it is genuine — as in not lust — it is better than any dopamine hit a one night stand or porn-fap can ever give you.

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