Big Fish

This interview took place at Jared’s apartment. Jared and I became friends in high school. We grew up in the same city and same Christian faith. As I enter the door, he attempts to straighten an already organized apartment. We enter his stylish room.

“I’m not an alcoholic, I swear,” he says with a grin, as he moves aside two packages of ale and beer.

Jared allows me to sit on the one chair in his room and he sits on the floor facing me. Jared has a very calm and relaxed demeanor as we begin the interview.

Jared is an artist. At present he is taking a break from university, and works full time at a call center. He currently lives in Orem, Utah with two female roommates. He enjoys dating, but is currently single.

“What is your first memory of feeling out of place?” I ask.

“My mother claims I have always felt out of place from a young age.” Jared replies.

This feeling predates his memory. He often used humor to overcome his feeling of being out of place, recognizing he could fit in if he had humor. He carried this attitude over to spirituality and his same sex attraction. He assumed he could overcome his same sex attraction by praying, and praying and bargaining to have his attractions change.

“I was right about being funny, I was wrong about the scriptures making me straight,” he says.

The first person he came out to was another artist in his high school. They were out on a date before the high school dance. There was an Andy Warhol exhibit at BYU. This exhibit included a room filled with large, silver, reflective, and glimmering balloons bouncing around the white room in constant motion. It was here Jared came out for the first time.

He says, “She felt like a safe person because she was adorable and kind to everyone. She was also very open by the way she presented herself. She was not afraid to be daring in her hair and fashion choices.”

She stood out from the majority of other teens surrounding Jared, the majority of other teens who belonged to the dominant Mormon religion. Jared explained he felt like he could not come out to Mormon kids because that would mean he would be seen, and he did not feel comfortable being seen. Jared felt the fact that he is gay would never be fine…

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