How to Deal with People with a Constant Need for Reassurance

A call for suggestions

I was talking to a friend the other day and I said something nice to her, probably something like how I felt about her or maybe a compliment. Her response was, “I know you are lying.” Almost instinctively my passive-aggressive response was, “Okay.”

This is something that I do a lot. When I tell people something, most of the time is the truth, but they insist that they know better, I see no use arguing with them. My patience runs too thin. This also happens when I make jokes and someone insists that it is more than a joke, I say, “okay”, shrug my shoulders, and keep it moving.

The problem is they tend to get offended, depending on how emotionally charged they are at the moment.

My question is, “What do you want me to say?”

I said what I said already and you said “You ‘know’ I am lying” and I have chosen to not argue. What else do you want?

Meanwhile, this is a good time to add that I also don’t like being told I am lying, because why will I be lying to you? Perhaps the first reason why I instinctively switch to passive aggression.

In a bid to not seem puerile, they tend to want to gloss over the subject and talk about something else or not talk at all,.. until it happens again. And in my usual fashion, I started to think about it.

I believe what people tell me. And when I have doubts, I take their words with a pinch of salt. Most often my problems with what people say are usually with inconsistencies, contradictions, and dissonance. If this is true, then that should also be true. You can't say this and then say that. And typically, I will be fine with any decent explanation. For me, words are just words, and actions are more meaningful.

My problem with them is they use the word, “know”. Yes, I can be pedantic. To know means “to be aware of through observation, inquiry, or information.” e.g “most people know that CFCs can damage the ozone layer”

To know means when asked to, they can prove that I am lying. Except they can’t. I think that this is the second reason I get miffed to the point of passive aggression.

Let’s say I overlook the “tiny” fallacy in their statement. Let's say I replace “know” with “believe” or “feel” or “think”. And I decide to entertain them, what would a proper response look like?

Is it “hmm really?”
Or “Oh, you do?”
Or “What makes you think so?
Or “I cross my heart I am not lying.”

The conversation usually fizzles out at this point, because nothing else is said after this and I am left wondering why I even bothered.

My second challenge with this is, you did not believe me the first time, what else can I possibly say that will change your position?

Dealing with people in this situation has been a struggle and I woke up today thinking about it. I hope that by writing and talking about it, I can come up with a number of possible things to try an invite others to share suggestions,..

1. I will try not to get mad. I don’t know how, but I will try. I hope that my patience in the face of disagreement grows stronger because I really need it to.

2. Next I will remind myself that we need different things from people. The same way I am constantly seeking out explanations and answers to questions that my anxious mind conjures is the same way some people seek out reassurance.

3. Also, I will encourage them to grow and find reassurance in other places and people. That way the burden on me is reduced.

Anything else you think I could try?

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