The things you do not say to someone grieving.

Reaching out to someone who has lost a loved one is hard but losing a loved one is harder. No one ever really knows what to say or has the right words that can express their empathy at that moment and it’s understandable as no one really rehearses or plans to lose anyone. It just happens. Losing my Dad has been something that I haven’t even been able to comprehend; not that there’s anything to really comprehend. I know what death is; it’s just hard to acknowledge that someone that was there, that talked and smiled and laughed is just not there anymore.

No matter what anyone says; No one knows exactly how I feel and can help me with my pain. It’s just very personal. Because of this knowledge; it makes talking to other people about this loss very hard. I find myself forcing myself to pick phone calls because I want people to know that I appreciate them reaching out to me. However, The emotional labour involved in convincing people that I’m fine definitely takes a toll amongst other things. This experience has definitely taught me the things I do not want to hear in this period.

1) “Be strong for…” I know people say this to mean well. However, telling me to be strong doesn’t really make sense because they are just mere words. You can send an encouraging scripture that speaks to strength (this may just be a personal preference though) Also, it just further adds pressure to be a certain way coupled with the grief you’re going through.

2) “What happened” I think this is one of the most inconsiderate things to ask someone grieving especially if you’re not close and if it’s the first conversation. You have to realise that retelling the story is reliving the pain.

3) “Stop Crying, Hope you’re not crying” Just stop! Don’t police someone that’s grievings emotions. People should be allowed to cry and stop crying when they’re ready to. Don’t add the pressure to form posterity… I mean; what for?

4) Stop making them help you come to terms with it. It’s selfish. One thing a lot of people do is to project what they’re feeling unto the person grieving that the person now starts to explain or console whichever the case may be. It’s emotional Labor.

What do you do? Be there in person. Give hugs (if you’re at liberty to)

Listen; if they talk. Let them initiate conversations when they’re ready. Don’t force conversations.

Let them be. Check in regularly and constantly ask if they’re ok from time to time.

Most times, it’s the presence that makes the difference. Just knowing that you have people that love you around helps a lot.

Related posts:

The underlying mechanism of our economic system promotes violence. Here I describe how it works, in the hope that making it visible can help us find a way to make it right. Every idea is most…

Parking Design Associates (PDA) is proud of our completed Sharp Medical Center Parking Structure in Chula Vista, CA. This structure features 7 levels and 720 spaces and was designed for doctors…

Her bireyin kendi hayatını idame ettirirken belli başlı konularda sağlıklı bir şekilde çalışabilmesi, toplumda işler durumda olabilmesi, önceden oluşabilecek problemleri önleyebilmesi için kendine ve…